


A Winter's Tale

by writers_exchange



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes-centric, Coping, Dark, Graphic Violence, Idiots in Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Other, The Avengers - Freeform, Threesome - M/M/M, but different ending, but not explicit as of now, but only in one chapter, learning to live, mostly civil war compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-06 08:28:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8742397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writers_exchange/pseuds/writers_exchange
Summary: "At first everything is hazy and muted. But there are emotions now and you can feel something emerging from deep inside, something you thought you lost but by some miracle it’s still there. Broken and in pieces but there. And you know with a certainty that you are no longer under their control. You are no longer HYDRA’s little toy, their weapon. You don’t know who you are exactly but it doesn’t even matter right now. You run."This is the story of James Buchanan Barnes who flees and never stops running. This is the story of a Civil War, similar but different. This is the story of a man who should be dead but only wants to live. It's sweet and bitter and sad. It's a Winters Tale. Some canon divergence but only after Civil War (Movie); eventually M/M/MWARNING: There is not much violence throughout the story but in one chapter later on there will be a graphic description of violence but I will mark that separately.





	1. On the run

At first, everything is hazy and muted. But there are emotions now and you can feel something emerging from deep inside, something you thought you lost but by some miracle it’s still there. Broken and in pieces but there. And you know with a certainty that you are no longer under their control. You are no longer HYDRA’s little toy, their weapon. You don’t know who you are exactly but it doesn’t even matter right now. You run.

***

The first weeks are a blur. You stay wherever you find yourself, mostly in abandoned buildings or in the streets. You stay away from crowds and overpopulated cities because people scare you and there are just so many. Plus it’s easier to hide your arm that way. You never stay anywhere more than two days though because you can see the shadows moving and shifting around you and you are, like 80 percent certain it is not just your imagination. HYDRA is chasing you and SHIELD is chasing you and the name Steve Rogers triggers a burst of memories. (At least you think they are memories but you can’t really be sure with a head as messed up as yours.) Fights in back alleys, a scrawny guy half dead from his many illnesses, so much time spent together, a kiss. But the guy in the maybe-memories, the one who is supposed to be you, you don’t recognize him anymore. You are not him and so you run, not only from SHIELD but also from Steve Rogers.

***

It all comes to a head in Bucharest. You only want to buy some plumps, godamnit. You are better around people now, not that you talk to them or anything. It’s just easier to hide in a crowd and you can use every advantage you get. Of course there negative aspects. Namely, that when you find your face plastered over every local newspaper someone is bound to recognize you. The guy at the newspaper stand certainly does.

You try to run but it’s useless. A guy all in black tries to kill you and you can’t help to think that his outfit looks like he bought it in one of those kinky sex shops. Then of course Steve Rogers comes to rescue you in all his Captain-America-glory and you try to run again but in the end SHIELD captures you all and they lock you away.

Then Zemo sets your alter ego free again and you are trapped inside your mind for the hundredth time while your body wracks havoc and tries to kill people that you have no interest in killing. It’s no use, though. In the end the Captain really saves you and slowly you regain control.

After that, things happen so fast that you can barely keep up but at the end of it all you are one metallic arm shorter, Tony Stark hates you because apparently you killed his parents and you are on the run again. This time with Rogers.

You end up in Wakanda with the guy who tried to kill you but who is now, kind of, your friend and really, who saw that coming.

Now you are trapped here in the jungle, with nowhere to go. Rogers, whenever you are in the same room, looks at you with those blue eyes of him like he is expecting something, anything, and you can’t stand it because the things he is looking for, you can’t give them. So you hide in your room where only your conscience keeps you company and that dark part of your mind which is not your own.

***

The people here leave you mostly alone and that’s fine. Great even. You have nothing to say after all. After two weeks though the archer seeks you out, Clint, but you don’t really care so you don’t remember his name. He just talks to you, not expecting any answers and you learn a lot about the Avengers. Mostly though you learn what you destroyed.

The Avengers are split into two parties now. Team Captain America and Team Iron Man, as Clint likes to call them. (Okay, so you remembered the name. What’s the big deal?) Ironically you are on Team Iron Man because let’s be honest here, you are not the good guy and you have no idea what Rogers’ agenda is but you have a feeling that he is chasing shadows. Clint just nods solemnly when you tell him this. It’s the most you have spoken to him since he started to drop into your room from the vents.

The next night you learn about Rogers’ and Stark’s relationship. Clint doesn’t really tell you but you can still hear it loud and clear, between the lines. And the pile of things you destroyed grows every day.

***

Three weeks later you run again. You can’t stay in Wakanda any longer. Rogers has started to seek you out as well and he tells you all these little stories from his past. Your past. But it all seems so far away and you try to tell him to stop chasing Bucky but you don’t find the right words. So you stay silent and listen until you can’t anymore.

It starts innocent, like every story, with another fight in a back alley and more bruises and a sprained wrist. But it turns to your very first kiss and you remember the memory that popped up in your head. But there are just pictures and no feelings and you can see all of his emotions, just there in his eyes, plain as day. And you can’t take it.

So you run and Clint is there beside you but he doesn’t stop you. He shoots two guards with his tranquilizer arrows and you don’t question it and so you run together.

Clint is actually a great guy to run with. He is good at avoiding and he finds the best hiding spots. He has no qualms about tranquilizing innocent people who might get in your way and he knows when to talk and when to shut up. After three days of running though, you get the suspicion that he is communicating with someone else. You are tense for a day after that but whoever it might be, they are just helping and not interfering so you let it slide.

Four weeks later you finally made it to New York and you stay behind in a small brownstone in Brooklyn while Clint leaves to take care of a few things. He returns hours later with Natasha in tow. You eye her warily because you know what she is capable of, you trained her after all, and she is tense around you as well. But somehow you form an unspoken truce and she shows up more often and you are pretty certain that she is the one who helped Clint when you were running.

It takes Tony Stark all but a week to figure out where Natasha keeps disappearing to.

***

You are alone when you hear the front door shatter and you go to inspect. Tony Stark is standing there with fire in his eyes which you can only see because he came without the armor. It’s a pretty stupid move because you could kill him right here, right now. And the Winter Soldier would, you know, because his shadow in your mind grows and you are barely able to push him away. You came here for a reason after all. And it’s not to kill Tony Stark.

You walk further into the hall, the good arm held at the side, palm forward to show that you have no weapons. You are no threat. Then you sink to your knees but your eyes stay focused on Stark’s. The man raises an eyebrow, questioningly, but you remain stoic.

“What’s the big plan, Barnes?” Stark’s voice is rough and deep and you can detect the anger without problem.

“Do what you have to do, Stark. It will be easier for everyone when I’m gone.” Your voice is rough too, from disuse but it’s neutral and devoid of any emotions.

Stark moves fast then and you can barely control your instincts, screaming _attack- defend- neutralize,_ and then a cold gun barrel is pressed against your head.

The shot makes your ears ring and it hurts like a bitch but it’s just a flesh wound in your shoulder, the good one, and you are confused. The Soldier is roaring now, hammering against the confines you built in your mind and you have to squeeze your eyes shut to regain control.

“That would be too easy, Barnes. You think you can just run away from your responsibilities? From what you did?” Stark takes a step back and looks at you with hard eyes. He hates you with every fiber of his being and that’s just fair because you not only took his parents. You broke his team and stole his boyfriend and it doesn’t even matter that you wanted to do none of those things. Because somehow you still did. When you look at him you realize you made the right decision to come here.

You smile and Stark glares even harder.


	2. A Trial

The tower is amazing, at least the parts you see on your hurried way to the Hulk containment chamber. It’s been refurbished just for you. Well, they put a bed in it and an armchair but that’s actually more than you could have asked for and you take what you get.

The days go by slowly because there is nothing you can do in this room. But you are used to nothing and it doesn’t drive you crazy like they probably hoped for. You chat with the AI sometimes, FRIDAY, but it somehow feels wrong because Stark invented her and you don’t think he would appreciate you using her so easily. But from time to time you just have to because this really is the future. It’s like all these comic books you used to read that you somehow remember. But most of all it’s the first thing that doesn’t bring any bad memories.

A steady stream of doctors and lawyers and psychologists find their way to you now every day and you answer a lot of questions that are mostly inappropriate but you answer anyway because you know the truth is important. Clint and Natasha come by occasionally. Stark never shows up.

And somehow, behind those walls, you feel calm for the first time in years. Your mind is still screaming too loud and your conscience is still weighing you down, you are not peaceful, but at least you can rest. You can hurt no one from here.

***

“I swear to God, Stark, if you don’t let me see him this second I’m going to…”

“You are going to what, Rogers?”

The loud voices carry through the door of your room and you can’t help but flinch. So Rogers finally caught up.

“Storming into my tower like you still have the right to do just that and then threatening me in my own home?” Stark’s voice rises with every word till he is flat out screaming.

“I should kick you the fuck out right now. You have no right to be here, nor do you have any reason. Your little _boyfriend_ is just fine.” He spits the word like it’s an insult and probably to Stark it is.

“But you are lucky, I have a good day. You have five minutes to see for yourself and then you will leave willingly or I will have the Hulk escort you out. And I’m pretty sure you don’t want that.”

The door to your room begins to open and you stand up quickly and wait in front of the thick glass walls. Rogers walks in first with Stark on his heels and his eyes widen almost comically as he sees you.

“Bucky are you…” is as far as he gets before you interrupt him, addressing Stark.

“He is not my boyfriend.”

Rogers shuts up after that and he looks like someone slapped him hard across the face and Stark almost laughs, almost.

“Bucky, I can get you out of there”, Steve tries again but you just shake your head firmly.

“No, no you can’t. I’m here because it’s the right thing to do. I killed people and I did bad things and you can go and argue all the way that it wasn’t me but it really was. I have to take responsibility for that and I knew from the beginning that you would never help me with that. But Stark does.”

You make a pause, steeling yourself for the next part because this won’t go over well, no matter how you say it.

“And you have to stop searching for Bucky because you won’t find him here. I have his memories but that’s not me anymore. I know what he used to be to you but that’s not me either. You had a life and friends and love,” your eyes flicker to Stark but he resolutely stares past you, “and you threw it all away for what? Me? I’m nothing, Rogers. I’m a memory at best. I’m a killer. Maybe I’m a victim. But most certainly I am not Bucky and if you can’t let go of him, I don’t want to see you here anymore. I’m sure that would be in Stark’s best interest anyway.”

A cruel smile plays around your lips and you know that your verbal bullet hit the bullseye when Rogers turns around and flees the room. Stark gives you a calculating look before turning around and leaving the room as well.

***

Two months later there is a trial. You haven’t seen Stark or Rogers since the incident and you are mostly glad. Your lawyer, a woman called Ivana Fields, picks you up from your cell in the morning and it’s the first time you are out in the open again. There are no handcuffs or any escorts and Ms Fields has explained it to you a few days prior. It’s a show of trust, show the world that you are not dangerous. It’s nice really, but you spot Clint and Natasha in the crowd and you know that you have an escort anyway. Normal people just won’t see it.

The trial goes as well as expected. There are many experts talking about brainwashing and torture and you can’t help but cringe when they show videos and pictures from your files. They are just the most harmless clips but it is torture and agony nonetheless and you curl in on yourself when you remember the pain. There are people testifying against you as well, people whose families or loved ones you killed, military officers and politicians. Ms Fields had informed you how this would roll and everything is as she said it would be until she calls the last witness for the defence and it’s none other than Tony fucking Stark.

You can’t help but gape at the man as he takes the stand but he doesn’t even glance in your direction.

“Mr Stark, I only have one question for you”, the attorney, Brad Caldwell, starts. “It is common knowledge that James Buchanan Barnes killed your parents.”

He waves to someone and the video starts playing. You notice Stark’s jaw tighten but he keeps looking at the video till it’s all over.

“Yes, I am very aware of that fact but thanks for showing me again. I almost forgot.”

Stark bites the words out harshly but you realise that most of his anger is directed at Caldwell and not at you and well, you just give in to the confusion.

“Then explain to me and the jury, Mr Stark, why you chose to speak up in Mr Barnes' defence.”

“Well, that’s pretty easy to answer. He didn’t do it.” A low murmur fills the courtroom at this answer.

“But we just saw the evidence, Mr Stark.”

“What we saw was the Winter Soldier killing my parents. He may have Barnes’ body but he isn’t the same person.” Stark looks down for a moment as if he is collecting himself. When he looks up again his eyes meet yours for a second, then he looks at the jury.

“I’m honest here. Three months ago I would have been the first to say that Barnes deserves to rot in hell. But since then I have seen a lot of his files and let me tell you, what you saw today was just the tip of the iceberg. This man already went through hell. And I believe that not many people would have survived what he survived. Yes, the Winter Soldier killed my parents but I don’t hold Mr Barnes accountable for those actions. He wasn’t in control at the time and I don’t have to explain to you why because we have been through the whole brainwashing spiel. But ultimately Mr Barnes has done the right thing and has taken responsibility for his actions. I say we should give him a second chance. Let him live the life that he never had. Don’t forget that he is just a victim as well.”

The room is completely silent now and you can feel a lot of eyes on you but there is nothing to do or to say but you notice that for the first time in months the shadow in your mind is barely there and you can’t do anything about the tears spilling from your eyes. The picture makes the front page, right under a catchy headline. **Do monsters cry? - James Buchanan Barnes found not guilty**

But you are pretty sure that Stark’s speech alone isn’t the reason why you are a free man now. More what happened after. Out of nowhere Brad Caldwell had started reciting the words – _the words_ – that would turn you into the Winter Soldier again. You can feel him clawing in your mind, the relief from just a minute ago gone again. People start screaming around you but Ms Fields stays relaxed as does Stark and you take a deep breath, calming yourself down and look the attorney straight in the eyes. Nothing happens, of course it doesn’t, because Stark had modulated your memories with his newest invention (well, technically he had never been there in the room with you but it was still his work) and now those words can do nothing to you anymore. They are just words.

“No more questions”, is what Ms Fields says as she leans back in her chair and smirks at Caldwell and after that your release is just a formality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to upload another chapter today but I'll probably wait a bit longer with the others. I still have to write an ending after all :D  
> Thanks for the love and enjoy :)


	3. Start Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since it was Nikolaus day here in Germany yesterday (which means 2 hour and 46 minutes ago, don't judge me okay :D) I thought I'd treat you to a brand new chapter of 'A Winter's tale'. Enjoy reading and leave lots of love (and comments, I'm a sucker for comments!).
> 
> Thank you for following this story!

Now you are sitting on one of the big couches in the (former) Avengers common room and you are lost. You are a free man now. Whatever that means. Ms Fields has dropped you off at the tower and the others aren’t here yet and your thoughts are too loud in the silence.

Thankfully the elevator pings in that moment and Clint and Natasha enter the room.

“Congrats man,” Clint yells while ruffling your hair from behind. A loud “Oomph” follows and you are pretty sure that Natasha is to blame for that but then she pats your shoulder once and gives you a tight smile. You just nod.

Shortly after that the elevator spits out Stark and a woman who can only be Ms Potts. You have heard about her but this is the first time you see her and now you know what Clint meant when he said that you better not cross her. She looks nice enough and she smiles at you but you were taught how to assess people and the Winter Soldier would have classified her as a threat even though she has no super powers at all. What she has are sharp eyes and a no-nonsense attitude and well, you vow then and there that you will never get on her bad side.

She and Stark talk in hushed voices before she gives him a kiss on the cheek and vanishs into the elevator at the same time that Sam and Rogers leave it. You remember Sam but not his last name so Sam it is, and anyway the guy never did you any harm. You can’t help but notice the way that Ms Potts manages to ignore Rogers actively and with so much contempt that it makes even you flinch.

“Buck – I mean James. Is James okay?” Rogers asks and he looks kind of lost as well and you just nod. James is fine.

“Okay. Can I talk to you for a second?”

He gestures awkwardly toward the communal kitchen and you just shrug and follow him there. You lean against the counter with your good arm wrapped around you and then there is silence for a while. Finally, Rogers looks at you.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on, you know the trial. It’s good that they released you.” His voice kind of breaks at the end and he looks down again. It’s amazing you think, how such a big man can look so small. And for just a moment, the memories of the small, scrawny guy align with the Steve Rogers that stands here in the kitchen and you can feel something. It’s barely there, only the shadow of a feeling that another you in another time once had. But then it’s gone again and you can’t be sure.

“Anyway, I wanted to apologise as well. I talked with Sam a lot and you were right. I wanted you to be Bucky so badly I never thought about what you might feel or think and I behaved like a douche. And you were right about the team and Tony as well. I hurt all of them but mostly Tony and he’ll probably never forgive me and that sucks. Because I still love him and I should have never left him so quickly especially after we found out about his parents but all I could see and think and feel was you. And I still love you as well. I know you are not the same person and maybe I am projecting feelings but I don’t think so. I look at you and I know you are not the same person, you are not the Bucky I lost but you are still Bucky and I will love you till the end of the line.”

He rushes it all out like he wants it to be just over and you don’t know what to say because what really is there to say? You can only imagine how hard it must be for Rogers to finally let go of someone who is standing right in front of him. Maybe it’s a bit like you feel yourself. Lost in a world that you mostly don’t understand and without a sense of personality or character. There is the Soldier, no longer a real threat but still there lingering on the edges. Then there is Bucky, the man you are supposed to be but the shoe just doesn’t fit. James feels safe right now. Like an empty canvas on which you can paint your own picture. You can make new memories.

A nervous laugh pulls you back to the present.

“I bet that’s not what you wanted to hear.” Rogers rubs his big hands through his face and pulls lightly at his hair. “I’m sorry again. Turns out I’m really shit at this. What I really wanted to say was, maybe we can be friends again? Tony allowed me to move back into the tower on the condition that I stay out of his way and I, I just thought maybe we can spend some time together? Just… just as friends of course and well, yes.”

He stutters badly at the end and then just stops talking abruptly. You can see his whole face turning red and how he suddenly finds his hands really interesting and it strikes you that maybe you have been unfair to him as well. All the time you just were angry because he wanted to pressure you into being someone else. But he is just as lost in this world as you are. And you – _Bucky_ – is the only thing he has from a past that no one here remembers and of course Rogers had tried to hold onto that. And maybe you don’t remember most of it, but he is also the only thing that you have from the past.

“Yeah, I would like that Steve.”

You almost whisper but his head snaps up as if you had screamed at him, eyes going wide and disbelieving.

“Just don’t expect too much, okay?”

Steve nods enthusiastically and a bright smile spreads on his face and if your chest feels a little bit lighter after this conversation, well no one needs to know.

***

The first time you step into Stark’s lab is fantastic. The man is surrounded by blue holograms and everything looks so futuristic and awe-inspiring that you can’t help but stare. Then something sharp pokes your leg and you turn around, ready to fight. The robot pokes you again, in the belly this time, totally unfazed by your fighting stance and beeps in a way that almost sounds excited.

“U, leave the man alone if you don’t want to end up as spare parts for my new project.” Stark sounds fond and bemused and the little robot whirs, and now he sounds sad and turns his camera to the ground.

“It’s fine, he just startled me, is all”, you mutter because this is Stark’s lab and his robot and you really don’t want to upset the kind-of-truce you have by accidentally insulting his AI’s.

“No, he has to learn his lesson. He likes to poke people and that would be fine but one day he will poke Bruce on a bad day and there really is no reasoning with the big green guy. Now go, clean something or whatever you menaces do when you don’t harass my guests.” Stark makes a shooing motion and the robot rolls away beeping happily again.

“Take a seat on the couch. I’ll be right over, I just have to finish something real fast.”

Then Stark is off again and you saunter over to the old couch and carefully sit on the edge. You still don’t know why you are here. FRIDAY had relayed the invitation this morning but had refused to give you any further information and you are kind of nervous. The trial was one and a half weeks ago and you haven’t seen Stark since then and you are really unsure on where the both of you stand.

You have talked with your therapist about Stark and she says that maybe you should talk with him about everything but well, you are not a big talker anymore and from Clint you know that Tony doesn’t do feelings and emotions. So that’s probably not happening anytime soon. On the other hand you kind of find yourself drawn to the man. He is everything you ever wanted the future to be and now that you are here in his lab it’s even better. He is an enigma, a puzzle you have no hope of solving but you still try. You don’t know if you will ever be friends with him but that doesn’t stop you from wishing.

Stark is leaning over one of the workbenches, back towards you and you can’t help but notice the muscles in his bare arms. He is short but well-built and with the weight of this suit of his he probably has to be. Then he shouts out a loud whoop and wriggles his ass in a kind of victory dance and yeah. That was unexpected.

“Ok Barnes”, he addresses you while he plops down on the couch next to you. “You probably want to know why you are here.”

You just manage a tight nod but Stark doesn’t seem to catch up on your discomfort.

“Well, I take it you know that I don’t really hate you anymore. I mean, I testified for you, of course you know. Anyway, that’s not why you are here. You probably don’t want to talk about that with me. Or, maybe you do? I shouldn’t just assume things about other people, Pep says that all the time. So what I was meaning to say is I could build you a new arm if you want that.”

You just gape at him because that was a lot of talking and you aren’t sure if you understood him correctly. He wants to build a new arm?

“Okay, sorry. I know I ramble. It’s just, I have a lot of things going on in my head and they all want out at the same time and sometimes that creates a lot of chaos coming out of my mouth so, well. What do you say?”

“I… I mean of course. That would be great. But do you really want to do that? After everything?”

You aren’t really sure what to think of that offer. Of course you miss your arm. It’s hard to do everything with just one arm but you can cope. It’s a small price to pay for everything you have done. And do you really want Stark to build you a new arm? Stark, whose parents you have killed?

“I know what I am offering and to whom I am offering it, Barnes. But I ripped the old one off and let’s be honest here, no one can build you a better new arm than me.”

And if you only agree to it so that you can spend more time in the lab with Stark then that’s no one’s business but yours.


	4. Of Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love and the comments.  
> Here comes the next chapter, enjoy reading :)  
> Lots of love

The Winter Soldier is still in your head, circling the perimeter and looking for a way in. You have him under control most of the time but today has been a bad day. It’s been three weeks since the trial and Steve and you have been doing things together a few times now. It’s nice now that he has toned down a bit and is treating you with more ease. Normally you look forward to those outings but today, just thinking about Steve makes you feel unsettled and like you are breaking around the edges. You try to ignore the feeling but that’s a mistake because actually seeing him makes it so much worse and something snaps inside of you and your control is slipping and FRIDAY alerts Steve to whatever is happening to you. He tries to touch you and you snarl at him and turn around and just run – _run again_ – until you lock yourself in your room.

But it’s not your room and you are not alone. A woman is cowering in the corner, her sobs filling the silence. Your gun is trained on a man who sits tied to a chair and he just stares at you without any emotions while his wife pleads for his life with high pitched screams and pleas. You shot her instead and finally it’s silent again.

Then someone knocks on the door, loud and fast, and somehow that’s not right because the house is supposed to be abandoned. No neighbours and no hiking tracks anywhere near it and still. The knocking doesn’t cease.

“Barnes. Barnes! Come on, open the door.”

And you know the voice but that’s not right either because Stark wasn’t there that night, was he?

“James. Open the door or I will kick it down. Well, Steve will do that but it was my idea so…”

“I don’t think that’s helping Tony.”

And that’s Steve’s voice and you don’t know what is real anymore and your head hurts. And then the man is gone and it’s your room again and everything is spinning. The door gives and Steve and Tony both barge into your room. Tony notices you first, where you are crouched into the corner, just like the woman you killed a lifetime ago and then again two minutes ago. He kneels down before you and Steve does the same but you still can’t look at him and it’s only a whimper that escapes your lips. But somehow – _bless the man_ – Tony gets it and he bodily shoves Steve out of the room where Natasha and Clint already wait, probably alerted by FRIDAY, to take him away.

“James, look at me. Come on. Cap is gone, it’s fine.”

Tony is there again but he doesn’t touch you and he doesn’t say _his_ name and you are so glad.

“I killed her. She was screaming so loud and I killed her and she wasn’t even my target I just… I shot her.”

You don’t know why you are telling Tony this but you just need to get it all out and you start to sob uncontrollably.

“It’s okay, James. It’s fine. That’s in the past, nothing we can do about. But it wasn’t you, not really.”

Tony carefully comes closer and really slowly puts his hand on your arm, projecting his intentions clearly. You let it happen and the touch soothes you, grounds you in the present and you can’t help but crumble forward and then Tony is there. He holds you with his strong arms and you feel safe there, sobbing into his chest.

Somehow you get through the day and it gets better again. There are better days and worse days but all in all life is good now. Maybe you are even happy.

***

Eight weeks later the arm is ready and together with Dr Helen Cho Tony builds it into your body. It’s lighter and faster and just plain better than the old arm. But more importantly, you just feel whole again, useful. Therapy is going good and you can leave the tower now. Sometimes you go on your own but most of the time there is someone with you. Not because they don’t trust you. You actually have friends now and that is nice. Really nice. Today you are out with Clint and Sam.

It’s easy with them. Clint takes nothing serious and you can banter with Sam all day long. Most people still think you kind of hate each other but you are actually good friends and when you can’t talk to your therapist Sam is always there for you.

The three of you go to this little coffee shop a few streets down from the tower because they have the best coffee and the cake is just delicious. Before you head back you buy a slice of strawberry cheesecake for Tony and some of the cake pops that Steve loves so much.

Steve smiles blindingly at you and pulls you into a one-armed hug. He is still careful with touches around you and the hug is short and you wish it was longer. But the thought scares you so you push it away and smile back.

Tony’s reaction is more subdued. He just throws you a quick smile when you slide the plate on his workbench. Then he busies himself with his latest project and you leave him be. One hour later though he calls you down to the lab again and presents you with some reinforced nerf guns and you will certainly win your little war with Clint with them because, hello, they can shoot around a corner. And you know that’s Tony’s way to say thank you.

***

You woke up in the future as a weapon and all alone. You had no friends and no memories. Everybody had been chasing you and in the end, your past caught up to you.

Now, almost a year later you finally feel like a human being again. You have friends now and you make new memories every day. There is so much lost time to make up for and in the end it’s no real surprise that you fall in love with two people at once.

***

Fury offers you a spot on the team but you kindly refuse. You are no superhero and you have fought enough wars to last you for several lifetimes. No one argues with you about it and when Sam asks you to help him out at the VA you say yes. The work is rewarding and you can honestly help people here and it feels really good.

You still train with Steve every other day and sometimes you spar with Natasha because she keeps you on your feet. You go to the shooting range with Clint and sometimes, when it’s too loud in your head, you meditate with Bruce. It really helps to calm you down.

But the only place where your head really shuts up is the lab. There is always something happening. Loud music is playing, Tony arguing passionately with his bots, lights everywhere. It’s just so fascinating and new and it makes your head spin in a good way. You start asking questions and Tony answers them and more often than not you don’t understand half of it but you start to learn and soon he lets you help. You are nowhere near his level but you are good enough and you can see that Tony is happy that someone is interested in his work.

Sometimes he looks at you with these big brown eyes and you just want to pull him close and kiss him. But then you think about how far you have come from him hating you and you don’t want to risk this friendship and so you don’t.

It’s better this way.

***

When Steve kisses you for the first time it’s unexpected and sudden and the whole team watches because it’s movie night. You sit on the couch, Steve on your right and Tony on your left because he is the only one in this room who doesn’t mind cuddling with a metal arm. You watch some stupid movie and you don’t even remember the name. But something triggers a memory and you tell Steve about that day when you had gone dancing and it was the song, definitely the song, which triggered the memory. And you smile at Steve because it’s a good memory and he smiles right back and then just leans in and kisses you. It’s unexpected but good and you melt into it until Tony goes stiff beside you and all but jumps from the couch. He mumbles something about an idea he just had and then he is gone, just like the moment. And you run as well.

Natasha finds you the next day, still in bed and she curls up behind you but doesn’t say a word and that’s fine as well. You doze off and when you wake up again she is still there.

“Do you want to talk?” It’s an easy question and you know you can just say no and she won’t mention it again.

“I… don’t know”, is what you settle for.

“Do you have feelings for Steve?” Natasha asks.

“I guess. I mean, yes I have feelings for him.”

It’s the first time you acknowledge it to anyone else but yourself.

“And what about Tony? He seemed pretty upset last night.”

Of course he had been upset. Steve and Tony had been together before you came back from the dead and you are pretty sure that Tony still has feelings for Steve because after all the time that has passed he is still avoiding the man if you are not around. And you had been so focused on your own feelings for both men that you never thought about what would happen if you acted on any of those feelings. And now Steve has made the first step and your friendship with Tony is probably ruined.

“Yeah, I… he still loves Steve. And now this. He probably doesn’t want to see me again, like ever and I… I can’t. He is my… my friend.”

Your voice breaks on the last word because Tony is so much more than a friend and you realise now that you would never be happy with just Steve or just Tony and isn’t that just fucking great. Because you can’t leave well enough alone and now you have to go get greedy on top of everything else. The first sob escapes you before you can stop it but Natasha just hugs you tighter and you know she doesn’t judge.

A few hours later she bullies you into getting dinner and before you leave the room she turns to you.

“You should talk to Steve.”

You know that as well.


	5. And Hitting the Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes another chapter. A bit later than I anticipated but better than none I hope :D  
> Enjoy reading.  
> Lots of love :)

It’s not easy for you to talk about your feelings with Steve and you hesitate a lot and stutter and the words just don’t come out right. How do you explain someone that you love two people anyway? It goes as well as expected and Steve excuses himself afterwards. He says he has to think about everything and well, what did you expect?

For the next week or so he avoids you. Tony has locked himself in the lab and life is miserable again. Clint and Natasha try to get you out of your room as often as possible but you just feel empty and broken and somehow you messed everything up again. Not for the first time that week you think about how much easier it would have been if Tony had just shot you in the head back then.

You find an abandoned floor in the tower, it’s under construction but nobody works here right now and you tend to spend your days, and some nights, there because no one finds you and you cherish the silence. New York looks amazing from up here and you just watch for hours. Until Pepper stumbles upon you with a throng of interior designers in tow. She acts unsurprised, takes one long look at you and then sends her entourage away.

She kicks her heels away and sinks down on her knees, wrinkling her crisp suit but she doesn’t look like she gives a fuck.

“They are all looking for you, you know?” Her voice is calming and not in the least bit accusing.

You just shrug and look out of the window again.

“James, look. Whatever happened I’m sure there is a solution. I don’t know much, to be honest, but I do know that Steve kissed you and Tony is upset about it. I have no idea what is going on between you and Steve though and you don’t have to tell me. But I know that whatever happened with you and Tony, we can sort it out.”

She sounds so sure and you can’t help but start crying again.

“You don’t understand, Pepper. Steve kissed me and Tony, he still loves him. I know it. And I love Steve, I do. But somehow I also… I also love Tony but he loves Steve. And I told Steve, told him the truth and he is disgusted. He hasn’t talked to me in days and Tony is hiding as well. I just messed it all up. And I wish I was dead.”

The last sentence is barely a whisper and then you feel so empty, and lost. Pepper just pulls your head into her lap and starts stroking your hair. And you wonder how this is what your life has become.

***

You ask Sam and he agrees to let you stay in his house for a while and no one stops you when you move out of the tower with your single duffel bag. Sam stays in the tower most of the time so you have the place for yourself and sometimes Clint and Natasha come over to visit and it’s nice. For the first time you have a place to yourself and you never even knew that this was something you wanted. You go for long walks at night and you join a gym where people don’t ask too many questions and you gain a questionable reputation for how many weights you can lift without breaking a sweat.

You find a job in a garage and buy groceries and clothes with your own money and that’s nice as well. You meet a guy at the gym and another one while going out with Natasha and Clint and Sam and Wanda but it doesn’t really work out because they aren’t who you want them to be and while that isn’t nice it’s fine. You can cope with being alone.

It doesn’t even hurt when you take a look at the newspaper one morning and see them together, on the red carpet for some charity event, Steve’s arm casually draped across Tony’s shoulders. **Iron Man and Captain America – The Golden Couple united again?** Well, it does hurt a little bit. Maybe even a lot but it’s no one’s business anyway. Except that it is Pepper’s obviously because she is the one who finds you in the kitchen, destroying Sam’s plates and with the newspaper all over the kitchen floor like confetti.

She sits you down and makes you hot chocolate and you wish so much that you could just love her because it would be so much easier but then again she probably wouldn’t be interested in a fuck up like you and it’s just as well.

“I wanted to get here before you saw that but well. I’m too late, obviously. It was just a charity event and they decided to go together because it’s good press and to be honest with you, it was also because of the team. Ever since you left the morale is kind of down and they wanted to mend some of that by displaying a united front. I told them it was stupid but who listens to me anyway.”

She probably wanted to ease your mind but it doesn’t really work.

“So I’m still destroying the team? I’m not even a member Pepper. How can the morale go down when I’m gone?” You sink down with your back against the cupboard.

“Because you are their friend, James. And they blame Tony and Steve for driving you away. They worry about you. You isolate yourself and you cope with your feelings in some not so healthy ways”, she says while pointedly looking around the kitchen.

“I’m not isolating myself. They are all welcome here and they visit me and we go out sometimes. I needed this, Pep. I really did. I’m independent and pay my own bills and I’m actually happy most of the time. I still love them, yes. And seeing that picture, it fucking hurt. But I have been gone from the tower for two months and neither Steve nor Tony have ever tried to get in contact. And I can take a hint. I’ll get over it eventually.”

She is smiling at you and it feels good to finally get those things out because you needed to hear them from yourself.

“I’m sure you will, James.”

Then she leaves again because she actually is a busy woman, running a company and all. You go to the gym and shopping afterwards and when you get back Sam, Natasha and Clint are all lounging in the living room.

“Not cool, man”, is all Sam says to the mess in his kitchen but you show him the new plates you just bought and he seems appeased. You prepare sandwiches and open a bag of chips and everyone eats in silence for a while.

“So, what brings you all here?” you ask, because it’s very rare that all of them show up together that early.

“Let’s just say Pepper is a very scary woman when she is out for someone’s hide and leave it at that.”

Clint actually looks kind of pale and you just look at Natasha with a raised eyebrow.

“I wouldn’t want to be Steve or Tony right now”, is all she adds with a shrug.

You decide then that you don’t want to know after all and you settle on watching the newest Star Trek movie and what you told Pepper earlier is true. You are happy most of the time.


	6. Renewed Shall Be Trust That Was Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> so it's been a while since I posted something and I'm very very sorry that it took so long but now I'm gonna treat you to an extra long chapter!  
> Think of it as a belated Christmas gift :D
> 
> Here you go, enjoy reading!
> 
> Lots of love  
> Sarah

Two days later there is a knock on your door and when you open it you look directly into Steve’s face and you slam the door shut again.

Steve just knocks again and after collecting yourself you open the door a second time and let him in.

“That was just rude, James”, he jokes.

“Look who’s talking”, you fire back and he has the decency to look ashamed.

“What do you want?” you ask, once you are settled on the armchair and Steve on the couch.

“Apologize, again. I’m doing a lot of that lately.” He grins sheepishly at you but your gaze remains hard and he looks down again.

“I was wrong, James. Not saying anything back then. I was just confused and I really needed to think about it. I’m not… Pepper said you think I’m disgusted by you but that’s not true. I could never be disgusted by you. I was surprised, yes. But not disgusted.”

“Then why haven’t I seen you in over two months? You never even wrote a text or something.”

“You just disappeared after a few days and then you moved out and I just thought you never wanted anything to do with me anymore. But I thought about coming here all the time I just was a coward.”

Silence fills the room after that and you think about everything. Steve sounds honest and he looks like someone kicked his puppy and maybe it wasn’t his fault alone anyway.

“Well, I could have tried to get in contact as well”, you mumble without looking at him.

“You could have, but I understand why you didn’t. You came to me with your feelings and I kind of pushed you away without a real explanation. You were hurt, I get it. But getting Pepper on your side? That was a shitty move, Barnes.” Steve’s tone is playful despite his words and you look up at him.

“Getting Pepper on my side? I don’t even know what you are talking about, Rogers. You are just full of shit.”

You both start laughing now but Steve’s eyes have this haunted look.

“What did she do?”

“Well, two days ago she stormed into the tower and she literally dragged Tony out of his lab by his ear and I mean literally. I don’t even know how she got in there in the first place because Tony was in full black-out mode. Like, no one could get in there. And FRIDAY refused to tell us what happened, she even erased all the video feeds. Anyway, no one knows what is happening and she dumps Tony on the couch. He wasn’t even protesting. Then she turns around and she has this look in her eyes like she was one step away from shooting laser beams from them and those eyes are focused on me. And then she bullies me onto the couch as well. Well, she just stood there and pointed at the couch and I just went. It was scary. Around the same time, I saw Sam, Clint and Natasha fleeing from the tower and that was the moment I realised we really were in trouble. And then she started laying it on us and I can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I have half a mind to recruit her for the Avengers. She would just stare the villains down and our life would be that much easier.”

You can totally imagine it and you start laughing again because the picture of Tony and Steve peeing themselves on the couch while Pepper unleashes her wrath on them is pure gold.

“Yeah, keep laughing, jerk. I’m traumatised for life.” Steve’s own laugh betrays him and you both chase after your own thoughts for a while. Suddenly you see the clock and it’s 10 am already.

“Oh shit. I hate to throw you out now but I have to be at the VA in half an hour. I’m really sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. We’ll be in contact?”

“Don’t be a stranger, Rogers”, you answer before you gently push him out the door.

***

When you come back home later that evening Tony is already there, sitting on your front steps and you aren’t even surprised. You just step around him and open the door and he gets in behind you. You walk into the kitchen and turn around to face him and but he lingers in the doorway, obviously uncomfortable.

“So, Pepper made me come here.”

“I know. Steve was already here this morning.”

“So, you two made up already? Why am I here then?” You can see him shutting down immediately, eyes turning hard and his jaw sets.

“We just talked, Tony.”

You pinch your eyes and breathe in deeply a few times. This is going to be hard.

“You don’t have to talk to me, you know. I was here and that is what Pepper requested so.” Tony fidgets with his newest Stark phone, avoiding your eyes.                                                                                                                      

“Can you just shut up and listen for a moment, please?”

He shuts up and you think it’s now or never.

“I’m sorry for how things went, okay? I... when Steve kissed me I was just as surprised as everyone else. I won’t lie to you and say I didn’t like it or that I didn’t want it. I love Steve. But I know that you still have feelings for him as well and I never meant to hurt you. Because the truth is, I have feelings for you as well Tony and it’s nothing but a mess since I told Steve. And I never planned acting on any of it because I was content with being your friend. But now I’m afraid that I messed that up as well.” It feels good to tell Tony the truth in a way but the silence stretches and you can’t bear to look at the man.

“Well, I didn’t expect that.” Tony sounds taken aback but not angry and when you finally find the courage to look up at him he moves into the kitchen and sits down on one of the chairs.

“Neither did I, to be honest.” You consider sitting down as well but you are far too nervous to sit still now and so you busy yourself with making hot chocolate.

“So is that why you left the tower?” Tony inquires.

“At first, yes. I told Steve the truth and his reaction”, you pause to search for the right words. “It could have been better. I decided to move out to give everyone some space and to clear my head but I realised pretty soon that this is something I wanted. A life of my own. Having a job, paying the bills. Taking on responsibility. After everything that happened in my life this feels really good. I’m happy.”

Tony only hums in response and you finish the hot chocolate in silence. When you turn around to put the cups on the table Tony is considering you carefully. It makes you kind of nervous but you sit down regardless and wait him out.

“So you wouldn’t consider moving back into the tower anytime soon, right?” He stirs his drink absentmindedly and you think about the question for a moment.

“Honestly? No. I won’t say that I’ll never come back but right now I’m good where I am. And I’m not a member of the Avengers anyway so I really shouldn’t live in the Avengers Tower.” You chuckle and he scoffs.

“Technically it’s still Stark Tower. Everyone just tends to ignore the fact.”

It’s silent again but it’s not a bad silence and you relax into the chair while sipping the hot chocolate and Tony does the same and for a while, you both chase your own thoughts.

“Would you consider coming back to the lab to help me out again?” He avoids your gaze and it means the question is important to him. So you consider it, carefully weighing the pros and cons in your head. You love the lab and the work there. You miss the robots and most of all FRIDAY and it’s probably a good way to salvage your friendship. You also remember how Pepper told you how you isolate yourself and maybe showing up in the tower from time to time will be good after all.

“I have a job that I like and I don’t wanna be paid by you anyway. But I could come by in my free time. If that’s enough for you.”

Tony’s face stays nearly passive but there is a small smile on his lips and by the end of the week you’ll probably have some new and advanced gimmicks and that’s really all you need to know.

“Well good. Because I might have promised the bots that you’ll be back when they ambushed me with their devastated little beeps. And Pepper told me I should stop making promises I can’t keep but they were beeping, like, really sad this time. But ever since I told them they are useless anyway because they just hang out by the lab doors and tackle everyone who dares take a step in there. And when they realise it’s not you, well. They’ll probably be so thrilled to have you back.”

He leaves shortly after because he is a busy man, much like Pepper is a busy woman, but not before you promise to come by the lab this weekend. You close the door behind him and you smile because your life isn’t such a mess after all.

***

You invite Pepper for lunch two days later and her sharp business look kind of clashes with the little burger place but she laughs freely and orders a large burger with fries and a normal coke. She eats it all and half the fries of your second helping as well and you chat and banter like old friends. Considering everything you have accomplished so far, being friends with her is what you count your greatest accomplishment. It’s easy to talk to her and she never judges. She has a solution for almost anything and you can only admire how she balances SI and chaperoning Tony and her private life without showing any signs of a burnout.

Your friendship isn’t one way either. She tells you a lot about her life as well. Talks about her short relationship with Tony and why it never worked out. How she still cares for him deeply anyways and that she is afraid that he won’t come back from a battle one day. She gets really emotional when she tells you how Steve just up and left some day and how devastated Tony was after the whole ‘Civil War’ fiasco. She had to stand by completely helpless as Tony drank himself almost to death and refused to let anyone in his lab or even near it. It took her two days and the help of Jarvis to persuade FRIDAY to overwrite the commands and let her into the workshop. By then it had nearly been too late. She had found the genius unconscious in a puddle of his own piss and vomit and he had remained in a coma for two days before waking up again. She curses Steve’s name even now and you ask her why she doesn’t hate you because you are the reason Steve left after all.

“Don’t be stupid, James”, is her unimpressed answer. “It was Steve’s decision and his alone. You didn’t even remember him at the time and you certainly didn’t ask for him to come after you, if I remember correctly. I don’t blame you and apart from that Tony cares for you. And it’s nice to have a friend who isn’t actually an Avenger and lives outside of the tower. I spend too much time in there as it is. It’s good to get out sometimes.”

And that’s all she has to say on the topic. You order two milkshakes for dessert and walk her back to the tower before heading back to the garage yourself.

***

Being back in the workshop feels like coming home and Tony was certainly not lying about the bots because they ambush you the second you step through the doorway and keep following you around for almost an hour before Tony’s patience snaps and he sends them running (or wheeling) to the other end of the workshop with a very serious threat.

“If you don’t stop hovering this second I swear to whatever deity listens right now, I will dismantle you all and send you to the interns to do what they want with your parts. And it won’t be pretty, so shoo.”

You can’t help but laugh when the bots bump into each other repeatedly in their hurry to get away from you. It’s hilarious and you don’t know how you managed even a week without the controlled chaos of Tony’s lab. Even though it feels like you never left and Tony and you work together like a well-oiled machine. Neither of you realises the hours passing by and when Natasha comes in to invite both of you to movie night you are actually surprised that it’s already this late.

You agree to stay for the movie and manage to drag Tony up to the living room half an hour later. The genius is still babbling about equations and materials and there is no resistance at all when you push him on the couch next to Steve and then plop down on Tony’s other side. It takes another twenty minutes for Tony to emerge from his thoughts. You feel him startle next to you, as if he was registering just now where he is. After turning his head from you to Steve he casually shrugs.

“Works for me”, he exclaims after looking from you to Steve and the unceremoniously plants his head in your lap and his feet in Steve’s and ten seconds later his soft snores underline the movie.

A soft smile steals its way on your lips and without thinking about it, you start carding the fingers of your metal arm through Tony’s hair. It’s amazing really, how you can feel everything now. Before the arm had only been capable of distinguishing pain and no pain and hot and cold but that had been that. With the new arm, you can feel even the softest hairs on Tony’s head and the warmth of his skin. But then again Tony is a genius and you never had any doubt that an arm built by him would be just as incredible.

After the movie is over everyone shuffles out of the room, mumbling their goodbyes. Tony is still fast asleep and in the end only he and Steve remain in the living room.

“You should carry him up to his suite. If you wake him up now he will just run back to the lab and he looks like he needs a good night’s sleep.” You see that Steve aims for nonchalant and misses by a mile but his statement is probably true.

“You could help me open the doors. I’ll have my hands full.”

He just nods and leads the way and neither of you mentions the fact that FRIDAY runs the whole tower and opening doors is one of her basic tricks. You get Tony into bed and Steve walks you down to the entrance where he hugs you goodbye. If someone had asked FRIDAY she would have told them that your hug had lasted approximately 2.47 seconds too long to be strictly friendly but no one had asked FRIDAY and she would never tell.

On your way back home you decide that maybe it’s time to get a license and buy a car.

***

Pepper helps you with the license and Tony and Steve discuss for hours on end which car you should buy but in the end, Mr Dennings makes your decision easy. He is a nice old guy who comes to the garage regularly. He has a lot of old cars (“Mended them all on my own, I did, boy.”) and somehow he had taken an instant liking to you. So when he shows up one day while Steve tries to convince you of the pros of some Ford car (you weren’t really listening) he pipes in immediately.

“You lookin’ for a car, boy?”

“Yeah, I just got my license but I haven’t decided what car to get yet.”

“Well, you got lucky, boy. I’ve got an old Chevy Impala back at home. Wanted to rebuild her ages ago but never got around to it, I guess. She’d be perfect for you.”

You say yes without having to think about it twice and four days later she is yours.

“A ’67 Chevy Impala, James? How cliché”, is Tony’s dry comment but he allows you to rebuild her in his garage anyway so you don’t ask. Mr Dennings had been right. The car is perfect for you and you love tinkering on her. With Tony’s help, it takes you under a month to get her running again and you take him and Steve for a ride out of the city. The warm summer wind streams in through the windows and AC/DC is blaring from the speakers and you can’t think of a more perfect moment than the present.


	7. A Dream Is A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !WARNING!  
>  Okay my dear readers. The time has finally come. In this chapter there will be a brief but graphic description of violence. Please consider this before reading. 
> 
> Now enjoy the new chapter and tell me what you think about it!
> 
> Lots of love  
> Sarah

Footage from the battle is airing on all stations but after the FOX News helicopter had been shot down (no casualties, thank god) the other reporters were keeping their distance and what you could make out is vague at least. You have to think back to your conversations with Pepper about how she worries about Tony when he is out fighting and you get it but it’s even worth for you because there a two people on the battlefield who you care for deeply.

There had been fights before of course but most of it had been inconsequential at best and not a real threat for the Avengers but this time it is different. No one had ever heard about the attackers and they aren't of the talkative kind but their bots actually caused damage and are near impossible to destroy. Tony will find a way, you are sure but it takes too long and it is hard to watch.

After ten minutes of watching alone, you had made a decision and had retreated to Pepper’s office in the tower. Now you are sitting on the couch in the corner, completely engrossed in watching the news while Pepper is situated behind her desk, pretending to do paperwork but she has been staring at the same page for over half an hour at this point and her pen is drumming a steady rhythm on the desk so you are pretty sure she is listening intently.

After two more hours things seem to take a turn for the better before they go spectacularly wrong, of course. You don’t know what happens exactly but you can make out Tony in the armour, dragging the last bot he dismantled to the pile of already taken down bots. He drops it before he seems to freeze in midair and the last thing you see is him firing up all his blasters, trying to get away from the pile of broken bots. Then there is a big explosion and the noises from the TV mix with the real noises outside and the tower actually shakes. It feels like slow motion as you jump up from the couch, staring at the screen incredulously. You can hear Pepper gasp and her chair topple over as she jumps up as well, fingers digging hard into the wooden desk.

After that you remember nothing for a long time because after more than a year the control on your mind slips and darkness takes over.

***

“James, James!”

“Barnes, come on. I know you are there.”

“Let me try, Cap. Soldier, stand down!”

You come to, to a mixture of voices yelling your name and you are confused for a second because you had been in Pepper’s office just a second ago. Then memories start to trickle in, the fight, the explosion. The darkness.

Slowly your surroundings take shape and you notice that someone is holding your arms behind your back and everything hurts. Natasha, Steve and Sam stand in a half circle in front of you. They look worried but ready to fight.

“It’s fine. It’s me. What happened?” Your throat hurts as well, burns to be exact and you feel like you’ve been run over by something very big. But at least the pressure on your arms lessens when Steve nods silently. Thor steps around you and he looks apologetic but you just shrug it away because obviously he had his reasons.

“We are not sure. You showed up here shortly after the explosion and you were really angry but calm and no one noticed at first because it was really chaotic. And then you barged right into the flames before anyone could stop you. Ten minutes later you dragged out Tony and then Nat noticed you weren’t completely you but you had already taken off again, chasing the two guys who caused this.”

He pauses there and you stare blankly at him, not really sure if you want to hear the rest. Steve looks calm but you have noticed a slight tremble in his voice. Natasha stands totally still, her hand hovering over her gun, but her eyes flicker around almost nervously. Sam looks outright uncomfortable and even Thor is tense and the guy loves a good fight. Something is terribly wrong.

“What happened, Steve.”

“You got to them before us and…”, his voice falters.

“You gutted one of them. With your metal arm. You somehow managed to rip his heart out while it was still beating and then you squashed it on the pavement right next to his head.” Natasha’s tone is very matter of fact but she shivers slightly now. “They got it all on camera.”

You vomit right then and there and finally give in to the pain of your burned body, falling unconscious immediately.

***

You drift in and out of consciousness while your body heals but you are always alone. While you sleep your mind provides you with images and memories that you would rather forget. After a vivid memory of the gutting you just manage to turn over and vomit half on your bed and half on the floor.

When you finally come to for good the sheets have been changed and the vomit is wiped away. You take in your surroundings carefully. The bed you lie on is a standard hospital one but it’s been reinforced to hold your restraints. You can’t move your arms or feet more than a few inches. There are machines all around you, beeping and whirring and for all that it looks like a hospital room. It even smells like one. But there is no mistaking the transparent walls of the Hulk containment chamber.

Two armchairs are situated in front of the chamber, both occupied. One by a sleeping Steve Rogers, the other one by a very much awake Natasha. Her right hand is petting Steve’s hair but she looks directly at you and for the first time since you know her, her eyes aren’t blank but so full of sadness and despair. You close your eyes again but the tears start falling anyway.

You really fucked up this time.

***

Bruce is the only doctor allowed inside because he is the only one who can defend himself against the Winter Soldier. You don’t bother to tell anyone that the soldier is no threat anymore. He is gone, you can feel it. You don’t know how or why but the place in your mind where darkness had lingered before is empty now and you can’t help but feel like you are not whole anymore. It’s no use anyway. You did what you did and you had your second chance.

Bruce asks questions but you don’t answer, just nod or shake your head when necessary and the one time you make the mistake to look him in the eyes you see the same despair you saw in Natasha’s only a day ago.

You don’t ask if Tony is alright. You don’t want to know.

After it’s clear that you are awake for good Steve’s armchair stays unoccupied.

***

Ms Fields is back three days later but you don’t talk to her as well. She talks for nearly an hour and makes you sign a stack of papers. You don’t really listen and what penetrates your mental barrier doesn’t sound too reassuring anyway. What you understand though is that you’ll probably never be a free man again.

***

When Bruce comes in the next day he brings Pepper. You don’t know how she managed to get an okay but you don’t want to know. She doesn’t speak but clutches your hand painfully, nails digging into your still tender skin but you don’t complain. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy but as the first tear starts to fall she turns around and hurries out of the room.

It’s a marvel, you think as you observe her retreating form. You have never seen Pepper Potts flee.

***

Sometimes one of the armchairs is occupied by Natasha, sometimes by Clint. Sometimes it’s Natasha curled up in Clint’s lap. Clint looks relatively pulled together but his hand is trembling when he is carding it through red hair and when he is alone his knee constantly bumps up and down.

Sam always stands when he comes in. Always the exact same spot, two steps into the room and to the right of the door. Always tense, arms crossed behind is back. He doesn’t tremble, there is no evidence of crying but the spark from his eyes is gone and after exactly five minutes he leaves. Not that you counted.

Thor comes once and he actually speaks. He has to leave for Asgard to sort out some things and even he seems devastated. He apologises five times for having to leave at a time like this and then he is gone.

Rhodey only comes once as well but you suspect it has more to do with him being glued to Tony’s bedside (if he is still alive, your mind offers) than him hating you or something.

Wanda and Vision never actually show up but they could watch you from afar and you don’t try to think about that too hard.

The biggest surprise is when T’Challa shows up one day. You are asleep but he is there when you wake up, posture much like Sam’s but he stands directly in front of the glass walls. He considers you for a moment before speaking.

“I’m sorry, my friend.”

Then he leaves as well.

Steve never shows.

***

Two weeks later you still don’t know how Tony is and no one tells you.

You try to ask Bruce once but the words won’t come out.

You don’t try again.

***

The days blur together into weeks, then a month and still nothing has happened. Ms Fields comes by three more times and you still don’t listen to what she has to say. People show up, stare at you without talking and leave again.

Silence fills the room and screams your head.


End file.
